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cinnamon_rose
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Gender: Female
Interests: Being goofy, writing (poetry, plays, essays, stories for adults and children...), dancing, writing lesson plans, making books and games, and surprises! I LOVE surprises, both giving and receiving!
Expertise: Learning. I am good at it, I make enough mistakes to always need it, and every part of my heart, soul and mind is edified by it.
Message: message me
Member Since:
10/11/2003
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| The intensity in her eyes was incredible. They were the color of buffed almonds, golden and perfect and flecked with the same blues and greens in my own iris. She lay smiling, gasping, loving us. She said goodbye with tears at the corners of her eyes and worry behind them. Her fingers traced the salty trails of sadness from my cheeks with delicate motion, as if already gliding on heaven's air. She motioned to reel him in. She danced with her pointer fingers. She asked for more morphine. She became too weak to speak. She listened to us sing. Her body wracked and railed. She fell asleep. Her eyes opened when we sang hymns. Her fingers jumped suddenly in our hands. She looked past us. She stopped opening her eyes. She stopped treatment. She stopped.
I loved you, Mom.
I am so heartbroken. Now that everything is quiet, now that there are no pretenses of obligated condolences, now that I begin to catch up on my two-week-completely stopped life...
I cannot sleep, read, paint, plan, write, research, grade, think, feel (save for despair).
I do not want to.
I want her. Just her.
When I pick up the phone to call, when I drive to the house from here...she will not be there to receive me. Cyclical conundrum. A stone in my belly. Vulnerability. Fear. Anxiety.
Loneliness.
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| this post is to keep xanga from locking me out of the system
my xanga subscription updates are sometimes the only way to keep up with people these days
ew...did i admit that?
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| In 2006, I have felt:
Love- It really became a total reality later on, and still grows. However, I exchanged an **official** "I love you" with my boyfriend, Junie, on January 1st after some serious doubting had occurred. This feeling, still strong, is both excellent and terrifying. Every day presents another turn for us, and for me, personally. The depths of my (known) capacity to love are what creates most of the newfound fear.
Timidity- I had to confront a very haunting past that I'd believed had been shut out well enough for me. Healing has barely begun, but, with my entire family finally addressing the wound, I found myself obligated to admission in order to help others to move forward. Doing so, with the help of my family (especially my sisters) has revealed things that I must fight and face. Regardless of the difficulty, I am appreciative of this change. Loss- I finally let go of some of my oldest friendships, realizing that my hopefulness and effort were not necessarily strong enough to keep us bound. This was an important stage for me, because I was able to recognize the fact that it is neither my duty nor under my power to keep relationships entirely intact. I am better able to expect effort and MUTUAL respect on the other end of things, and to recognize whether it exists or not.
Devastation- When my sister moved away in the fall, I felt like I had nearly completely lost her. She used to be my closest friend and confidant. Recently, a rift formed between us that I couldn't repair. It makes me cry to think about the way that she became more distant and I was unable to reel her back in. I know that we all grow and that our lives take us further apart, but losing her presence in my life so much more than ever before made me feel broken. I always wonder whether she realizes how much she really matters. Since it happened, and because of everything that spurred it and came with it, I've felt a degree of confusion and loneliness that is foreign to me.
Tentativeness- I am a teacher. I am a role model to young people who are a culture away from me. I am officially an adult, in a work world, balancing life with professionalism. I must please, and I must surprise. I must be an advocate for my students, but I must meet the requirements of the administration and parents. Reluctantly, I've pressed some boundaries in order to enrich the lives of these people-in-formation. All I can hope, every day, is that I am steering them toward success and personal fulfillment wisely. As a child myself, it is sometimes hard to know.
Fulfillment- My youngest sister hugged me and told me that she's glad we have gotten closer, because she was missing out. One of my students has intervened in his mother's life and convinced her to check into a rehab program, and thanked ME for giving him the courage to do so. My sister, who moved, surprised us on Christmas morning by waking us up with a hug (she'd come in without us knowing at all). I made my college room mate give up a real smile when I gave her a homemade sweatshirt (a memory from dorm life) and a music box for Christmas. God still moves me daily.
Childish- Loss and eminent loss of some of the most influential and heart-bound people and things in my life have made me feel constant instability. I also feel childish because I feel as if I have so much to learn about the world and the people in it. Part of all this is my curiosity, which I am realizing does not occur often in the adults out in the 'big world'. I continue to feel fascinated and courageous.
Hopefulness- I'm making lists, lists, lists. What will I do next? I can do anything!
Itchiness- I've recently felt stagnant in a lot of respects, but I know that this is a time where I need to be developing in the stages where I am. However, it's taken a toll on me in some ways, and has reared up in several venues of my life. One positive thing that's been revealed through this: it's becoming easier to determine who is true to me, as I am in my core, and who is not.
Astonishment- I have finished an entire semester of teaching. I have broken outside of the proverbial box in my classroom. I have donated over 1,500 hours of my time to charity and community work since the year began. I CAN be fashionable AND **get ready** PHOTOGENIC (who knew?). I have succeeded in some reparations in the relationship with my mother.
I am sure that a lot more has passed, but I think that these things, at the forefront, are probably prominent for a reason.
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| - Students begin school on Tuesday.
- I am now responsible for anchoring 120 high school careers.
- I have 1 hour on Monday to get my classroom together, but I still have no keys.
- I am going through freak-outs followed by exhileration followed by freak-outs.
- I have not yet seen my curriculum.
- I am part of a union.
- I am a professional.
- I am in a place of authority...eyes watching me, looking up to me, testing me...ah!
Here we go. It's going to be an interesting ride this year.
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| So.
Graduation. It came. I can't believe that I'm a college graduate and already working on my Master's! I can remember when college seemed like something that other people did, and now it's something that's totally the norm for both of my sisters. Neither of them feels that way at all, it's just the natural next step. That in itself makes me proud. They won't have to feel the same kind of thing when they're trying to fight their way through that confusion in choosing a vein to travel in their future. I was a flag bearer there, first in line with the Argentine flag. After the ceremony, a man came up, grabbed me in a hug, and said '!Viva Argentina! !Me hace con orgullo!' (Live (Hooray) Argentina! You make me proud!) which, for a perfect stranger, is a really nice thing to say. After the reception, and through an excruciating migraine, my parents, boyfriend, and sisters took me to the Olive Garden to eat (I love it there). It was a beautiful day.
On July 17th, after a string of weekends full of graduation parties for my cousins, I had my party. Despite the heat, which was overwhelming (near 100 all weekend) there was a pretty good turnout. Actually, we had 40 out of 120 RSVP's there, but 40 is still a huge party. I was glad to see the people who came to support me and congratulate me, so that's what matters. We played Bacci ball and had some AWESOME beef and sausage (haha, my family is still eating leftovers...I mean, we planned for 120) and just generally enjoyed the company of loved ones. This was also a meet the parents event. Haha. Jack's parents and my parents seemed to do ok around each other. I was glad that they had that.
I spent most of the summer (well actually, I'd been looking since March) searching for a job. Schools are hard up for cash and the mandated staff cuts that were going on also caused them a lot of strife in the hiring process. Finally, after several interviews and infinite phone calls (many unanswered unless I pressed, which, in my opinion, is very unprofessional) I landed an awesome job at Thornton Township School District.
I'll be teaching at one of three high schools in this district. Mine is located within the neighborhood in Harvey, Illinois, which is a 37 mile commute from my house each day. I'm excited to work there, though, despite the racial boundaries and the major dangers, because the kids have a unique opportunity in college prep. They attend a core set of classes freshman year, and then choose to attend under one of three major 'houses' (health and human services, business and technology, or arts and communications) where the focus in each major subject area is skewed toward their interests. So, someone studying in the arts and communications house would receive the same information in a science class as someone in the business house. However, the way that the subject is taught and that the students respond varies, attending to their interests and learning style, and exposing them to aspects of the subject that are more concentrated in their interest. Further, each student then chooses a 'major' that determines their elective classes in order to better prepare them for their collegiate interests.
I dunno, I'm excited. High school English, here I come!
I am still dating Jack, which is awesome, and we're getting along well together. I really, really care for him, and he and I are much a part of each other's family lives too. He just got a little puppy, a pocket beagle, and she is SO cute! Haha...even though I love our weekend trips away, I'm willing to sacrifice those for dogsitting with him when his parents go out. He's good to me, and we spend all of our time having fun together. It's a blast to have him as a part of my life, and I'm happiest when I'm with him in ways that I didn't realize existed. It's really nice.
In the coming weeks, I begin that new teaching job, buy a car, attend a week-long conference put on by Golden Apple, and go to another wedding. I'm looking forward to wrapping up my summer well and beginning what seems to be a heavy adult life that's already felt like it's crashing in on me. I'm alright, and I'm ready, even though I'm nervous as all get-out. Haha.
Thanks for tuning in. I don't update often, but here it is.
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